“Please, Gaba,” she said,
no welcome to womanhood
speech or little chat.
They’ve become family legend
now and I am well
aware of that.” ” What about
a party to mark
this major life event?” I
asked. She glowered and growled,
“What part of ‘no’ don’t
you get?” “Ok,” I said. “With
this poem I guess you’re set.”
JDG
Sitting in traffic alone beneath autumn trees,
feeling resentful,
spinning stories,
thinking about her.
Under the resentment,
a tangle of judgement roiled.
I sat, wanting the light to change
when suddenly, somehow –
an untangling –
and she was separate
from my judging mind.
The wind shifted.
The light changed.
The autumn trees showered me with gold.
JDG
“I dreamed this scene last night,” she said,
this unknown nurse, drawing blood.
“You had on that very shirt
and I was called and asked to help.
Why this scene and not some other?
There was no drama, no critical care.”
I looked at her, smiled and said,
“No drama, no crisis, just patient care?”
She smiled too and nodded her head.
“A message for us all,” she said.
JDG
First day of first job.
Grouchy curmudgeon
can’t forgive her small mistake,
demands refund, storms out.
She shrinks.
Kind witness says, ” You did great.
That guy’s a jerk.”
She grows.
Some lessons learned.
JDG
“Small voice, I’ve been getting some proddings lately,” I say.
“Proddings?” small voice says.
“Yeah. A friend asked about you for one thing,” I answer.
“And what did you say?” small voice asks.
“I said we’d drifted apart.”
“I think it’s you who drifted,” small voice replies. ” I haven’t gone anywhere.”
“You’re sounding kind of self-righteous,” I say. “Anyway,
I’ve gotten other messages that I should
get back in touch.”
“And you decided to pay attention?” small voice asks.
“Yeah, I guess,” I say.
“You guess?” small voice asks.
“Well, sometimes you make me
really uncomfortable,” I say.
“That’s part of my job description,” small voice says.
“I wish it were a smaller part,” I say.
Small voice looks at me and smiles.
“Welcome back, Wayward Wisher,” small voice says. “We’ll
pick up where we left off.”
I groan.
JDG
“Small voice,” I say, “I changed your question a little.”
“You did?” small voice says, “Why?”
” ‘What am I here for?’ seemed too big so
I changed it to ‘What is being asked of me right now?’ ”
“Sounds good,” says small voice.
“It’s still hard to answer,” I say.
“Yes,” says small voice.
“But…” I say.
“Go on,” says small voice.
“Well, it’s strange but when I ask that question,
I don’t feel invisible anymore,” I say.
“Maybe asking that question is what you’re here for,” says small voice.
“Maybe,” I say.
JDG
“Small voice, do you ever get the feeling
you’re invisible?” I ask.
“Not exactly, ” says small voice, “but I’m often ignored.”
“What do you do then?” I ask.
“I’ll tell you what I don’t do,” says small voice.
“What?” I ask.
“I don’t give up. I just keep on talking.”
“Even when you’re ignored?”
“Yep.”
“Why?” I ask.
“That’s what I’m here for.
What about you? What are you here for?” small voice asks.
“I’m beginning to see why
you’re often ignored,” I say. “Still, I heard you and
I’ll think about it.”
“Fair enough,” small voice says, smiling.
JDG
“Small voice,” I say, “sometimes I feel so bad
I just want to give up.”
“Only when you feel bad?” small voice asks.
“Duh…why would I want to give up if I felt good?” I say.
“Well,” small voice says, “It all depends
on what you’re giving up.”
“Oh no,” I say, “here we go again.”
Small voice smiles.
“Let me rephrase that,” I say. “Sometimes I just don’t want
to bother. I don’t want to try any more.”
“You know that can be a good thing, right?” small voice says.
“Not really,” I say.
“When you quit trying and you give up,
you make room for something other
than your familiar self,” small voice says.
“And if that something doesn’t come? … You’re
asking an awful lot,” I say.
“Yes,” small voice says, “I am.”
“You never were one for easy answers,” I say. “Sometimes
I wish you were.”
“Ah,” small voice says with a grin,
“So we’re back to wishing again.”
I groan.
JDG
“Small voice,” I say, “there’s something
I’ve been meaning to ask you.”
“Shoot,” small voice says.
“Well, you always seem to be talking about being aware
and paying attention and stuff like that,” I say.
“Yes?”
“But I thought you were supposed to be
the voice of conscience,” I say.
” Consciousness leads to conscience,”
small voice says. ” The larger the consciousness
the stronger the conscience.”
“Oh,” I say. “So we’re working with the basics here.
I guess I’m in basic training and not graduate school after all.”
Small voice smiles.
JDG
” Small voice, what lies ahead?” I ask.
“I’m not a fortune teller,” small voice says. “I am a now-sayer.”
“A now-sayer?”
“Yes, I draw your attention to what’s here right now.”
“But I want to know what lies ahead,” I say.
“What lies ahead depends
on how aware you are of the present moment.”
“Can I discover what lies ahead
by being aware of the present moment?” I ask.
“You can become aware of the next step,”
small voice says.
“Only the next step?
That’s not what I had in mind,” I say.
“I know,” small voice says,
“The mind is never satisfied with ‘only’
and always wants more.”
“So we’re back to that,” I say.
Small voice nods.
I shake my head. “You’ve shifted
from getting the last word to getting the last nod,” I say.
JDG
aholdingplace 